When we first got together, he stated he was divorced. He was actually only separated, which I found out 2 months into my pregnancy. His reason for not telling me was that he doesn't see a difference as they have been separated for 4 years (at the time) and therefore are divorced in his eyes.
We went through many issues throughout our relationship and I left him in January of this year. I moved back in in August after 4 months of intensive counselling and affirmations from him that he would cut back on his friendship with his ex wife (they surpass the ';normal'; ex relationship by maintaining a friendship out side the parameters of their daughter). I am highly uncomfortable with the nature of their relationship as it impacts our family life on a consistent basis. In addition he had promised to finalize the divorce so that we could get married (we also want another child, but I am adamant that we be married first).
Today we got in a big arguement as he has not completed these tasks. The divorce is still not finalized (it's the end of October) and he is still friendly with her in a manner that makes me uncomfortable. I want a positive relationship between them for the sake of his daughter, but the friendship stretches the limits.
Right now I am very unhappy. I do not know what the appropriate action to take is. Do I leave him as he is not doing the things he said he would or following through on things and I feel miserable all the time? Or do I stick it out as leaving would be damaging to the children?
He's a good father, but our relationship is faltering. Even with counselling, he refused to do what the counsellor suggested because he didn't agree with it. I am at a loss.
I DO love him, but I am not willing to be a doormat and play second fiddle to another woman for the rest of my life. I want a partner whose loyalites lie with me and our family (which includes his daughter).
Advice is appreciated. Thank you everyone.How to deal with your current partner and their ex?
IMO...make arrangements to leave and find a way to raise your child separately.
The flat out worst thing you can do is bring this type of environment to your child, as you appear to be helpless and the frustration/angst between the two of you will continue to grow in the present household.
You both have attended counseling, and a professional with no ties to this relationship has suggested something to this man and he refuses to do it. What does that tell you? This counselor has nothing to gain and in fact, if the relationship were to get better, the both of you would be inclined to see him more...I know this through experience.
I am sorry to say this, but until this individual decides to accomodate some of the sensitivities that you have, you will only become more and more hurt and frustrated, your child will see this, and your child will grow up witnessing an abusive household.How to deal with your current partner and their ex?
unfortunately the ex will never go away. I think it is better if they are friends, but you should be included, so you don't feel insecure. The lie would bother me. I can see why he said that though, he didn't want to scare you away at the beginning, but it's time to get that divorce settled.
it sounds like you already know what the answer is and you just need somebody to validate your feelings. if he is not cooperating with counseling then there is nothing you can do. it sounds like you are putting more of an effort into fixing the relationship than he is and thats not fair. you deserve to feel like a priority in a mans life and it is time for you to quit wasting time with this guy and find someone who treats you right so you can start a life with them. there is no such thing as staying together for the kids when you are miserable, that doesnt make them happy
You say you don't want to be a doormat but somehow - HOW?! - you have no problem creating circs that turn your children into floorcloths! How is it that you are unable or unwilling to see the harm your selfish whelping poses to the innocents? Clearly, husband is unwilling to follow through on obligations he undertook during counselling and if you stay you show him that's OK with you. You're precisely where you were before you left, yet strangely, your answer to the dilemma is procreation! Of all things! What are you using for brains and a heart, one wonders? Hurry and pack your bags before the number of victims of this unfortunate relationship increases any further and make appt with a new therapist/counsellor to find out why you think more sex is an answer to fundamental marital discord.
Strange how neither you nor his ex mind this guy making fools of you. Why is that, I wonder? Does he purposely seek partners so damaged they'll put up with anything?
Hurry! Pack up!
He lied to you, and he shouldn't have. You need to tell him tomorrow is Monday...he has until Friday to make a huge effort to finalize the divorce. There needs to be a court date....he needs to come up with a custody agreement (his side of it anyway), he needs to get this moving. If he does not, then Friday you will start considering other things (such as moving out and filing for child support when your baby is born) because you deserve better than this. You won't be lied to and treated like crap. He knocked you up, and he is going to take responsibility for his actions.
Leave him. He lied to you in a very fundamental way. He can tell you all he wants that ';because they were separated for 4 years and they're divorced in his eyes.'; That argument has a hole the size of Cleveland in it. Legally, he is still married - who really cares what he thinks? - and on a practical level, anyone who hasn't completed a divorce in 4 years has more issues than a shelf full of National Geographics.
Bluntly, he is still married to her for a reason. And what's worse is, you know it.
Staying with him is damaging to YOU. And the children. So don't kid yourself that swallowing your misery every day is a good and noble sacrifice. He has told you clearly by his actions that that he is going to do exactly what he wants to do. You know you just don't matter. You also know what you deserve, which is someone who wants you as much as you want them.
You know your only choice is to leave. I can see it. You just need someone else to see what you see. I do. Please don't argue with him anymore. Just don't waste your time. He lied from the beginning, in the most fundamental way possible, for his own selfish and narcissistic purposes. I'm so sorry - but it doesn't change the situation. Keep smiling - but run, and keep running.
first off all your probably not going get out of it if its his daughter you just have to learn how to handle it because if you ask him to choice you or your daughter its probably gonna be his daughter but sense you have a son together i know its complicated but if you love him you will stay by his side trust me i just got away from my husbands crazy ex it was hell
Omg girl I imagine how u feel. I would try talking to him again and express how much he is hurting you. He has to understand that its not okay to have that kind of relationship with his ex. he needs to have communication with her because of their daughter but no need to be bffs or he should really analize his feelings if he still loves her he needs to let u go and stop hurting u. I agree with u about not having. Kids at least not right now. If u have tried different methods to try to solve the problem and he won't bother to try any of them he's not even making an effort honestly what do u think it means................I don't think he loves u. I know that's not what u want to hear but I know u want everyone to be honest .
I hope I'm wrong and after u talk to him things get better.
Good luck girl.
Just because 2 people get a divorce does not mean they have to nasty to one another they have a child together and until the child is atleast 18 yrs old he will always have to communicate with that child's mother so why not be civil towards each other ...You will drive this man away if you are not careful ..I can see you are very immature jealous person ,And one more thing you will always be second fiddle
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